Today was a Bad Day.

I only need 2 more sources for the annotated bib due on Wed. Research for a paper on education, as if turns out, is a million times easier than research on a topic for lit class ever was.

I'm close to catching up on everything and feeling less panicked today. I've even started the process of getting set up for my observation hours.

I've had too, too, too many diet sodas in the last three days. And cookie dough. And candy. But I'm going to allow it, just this once ("once". Yeah. Right.) because I can't worry about health and be a good grad student (or even a halfway-decent, just-so-long-as-I-can-keep-my-head-above-the-water kind). Just can't. No way, no how.

I realized today, for probably the hundedth time, that I don't care at all about my job. They aren't going to fire me unless I do something stupid, and they're never going to give me a raise. If they wanted me to work harder, they should stop treating me like a grunt. Since that isn't going to change, then the job is nothing more than a paycheck to keep me from having to use my loan money for car insurance. If I can survive grad school, I can get a real job, and get out of here.

It's not like I think that teaching will be easy or anything. It's more that it suits me better. I was actually reading something about my personality type online a few weeks ago and it agreed: office work is the worst for me, but teaching is ok.

In spare time that isn't devoted to WoW, I've been working on the sequel to Strangers. Once I get everything caught up and stop feeling like I'm drowning, I'll start updates again.

Since this is a three day weekend, and I have three online classes, I vowed to spend the entire weekend working on school stuff.

*Pauses for the peals of laughter.*

Yeah, you wanna know how well that's working out? Spent all of yesterday - I mean ALL - playing WoW. Was up until 3 playing. Now I have a lv. 19 Blood Elf, a lv. 20 Night Elf, and a lv. 21 Draenai.

I'm so useless.

This morning (heh. Morning. More like 10) I got up intent on getting some work done. Mom got onto me for wasting all of yesterday, which really made me want to study even less than I had before. The Bird spent the night Fri and Sat night, so I blamed my lack of progress on her presence. Then, while opening the fridge to fetch the needed accessories for a waffle, a glass bottle of fuzzy navel wine cooler fell out of the fridge and broke -- on my toe. The gash isn't very long, and it looks like a clean cut. I bled like it was a friggen crime scene though.

Here's the funny thing about me and pain. I don't like thinking about it, but when it actually happens, it doesn't generally bother me (save for when I woke up after surgery, but hey, they'd cut me open and not left me drugged enough. Plus what little drugs I did have in my system was morphene, which the Bird's mom - a nurse - informed me makes you cry anyway.)

Also -- blood. I don't like it. More specifically, I don't like *my* blood. Especially not when it's dripping onto the floor.

But, when something like this happens, I'm always completely calm. I called to my mom for help, and she brought me a towl. I put pressure on the gash while she found the band aids. She helped me cover the wound with neon green bands.

And then the moment it was all taken care of and the crisis was over, I had to go lie down for a while.

My reaction to things is so wierd.

Anyway, so now I have a sore toe in addition to sore boobs. (Took all the tape off Friday by the way. They look pretty good to me, but we'll see what the dr says when I go on Tues.)

I sat down and recopied all my notes from classes, got myself organized. I feel less panicky because, on second look, the majority of the assignments don't look all that intense after all. (Some still do, but that's not so bad when the others aren't equally evil.) Plus, I'm more relaxed and rested than I was earlier this week. And, our friends who are school teachers came up and stayed with us this weekend, so I got to talk to them about everything. I know that anytime I have a problem, they'll either help me or find someone who can.

So LJ time is a short break before I get back to work on school matters.

Let's hope this calm lasts a little while.

I want to see a trailer for Bunraku so bad I can't stand it!!

Moon Child arrived in the mail today. I'm debating over watching it now or waiting for the Bird. In three hours I'm meeting Aiko and some of her friends to see Inglorious Basterds -- I'm a BIG Tarantino fan, so I've been dying to see it, and my brother says it's amazing. Not to mention Brad Pit...ah, the man is still beautiful, what can I say?

This is my last day to slack off. I realized I have an annotated bib due in 2 weeks, so this weekend and Monday shall be devoted to school work. I feel so overwhelemed by all the crap I'm going to have to do this semester...wouldn't it be great if I went against my character and actually got ahead of schedule?

Of course, it's unlikely. I've been reading over Fealty lately, which means I'll probably break down and type up a chapter -- or at least finishing the fic on paper -- soon. The other day at work I wrote this little Aya/Yohji snippet that I'm dying to find an excuse to use, too.

Ah, I'm terrible. Just terrible.

Hm. Random things - as if that's any kind of change from the garbage I usually post.

Recovery is going well. I'm still a little sore sometimes, but othertimes I feel so normal that I forget and do something I shouldn't - like pick up a definitly-more-than-five-pound cat. I go back to the Dr on Tuesday of next week. They told me not to take the tape off unless it comes off on its own, but after nearly three weeks, it's getting pretty nasty. Still, squeamish as I am, I'd rather leave it on than have to take a look at the damage. Especially as some of it still seems to be somewhat...juicy.

Posting from my brand new (as in just got it less than an hour ago) laptop. YayZ. Maybe now I'll finally be able to get some writing done. School started last week and I'm already wondering about my decision to go back. 2 of my classes are going to be online (hence the need to finally go out and get a new laptop) and at least 2 of the classes are going to require I get observation hours at a high school this semester. Whether or not I can use the same teacher for both classes remains to be seen. More, when going into the classes, the professors tend to talk as if everyone in the class has already had tons of education classes, which I haven't (luckily, according to raised hands, I'm definitly not the only one.) I'm a little freaked out, I'll admit it, and scaring me is a good way of getting me to avoid work at all costs. I mean, what the hell do you think the last 5 years have been about anyway?

I need to lose weight, like, yesterday. Smaller breasts make me more aware of my tummy, and even though everyone says I now look lots and lots thinner, I feel like an overripe pear. I still can't lift more than 5 llbs though, and I'm still building up to physical activity. A trip to the store makes me crash for hours.

We went to see Ponyo this weekend and it was uber cute. There wasn't really much of a storyline, I mean, I thought the climax was very anticlimatic, but it was a fun movie and I smiled the entire time.

My stupid brother has gotten me stupid hooked on stupid World of Warcraft. I'm totally addicted, despite my better judgement. More, he's gotten youngest brother and the bird addicted too. We're all over in Antonidas, if anyone plays, and if you don't, but you're thinking about it, let me know and I'll email you a thing for a ten day trial. I think I've got like 4 left. I've got 3 characters right now, one Horde, 2 Alliance, all under level 20 but above level 10. I've got to make rules for myself like "no playing before 5:00" so I don't spend all day chasing down those damned Murlocs. (Man...the nerdyness just keeps coming, doesn't it?)

And I feel like such a cliche, but I'm suddenly really into Gackt. My god that man can sing. And he's pretty...so pretty...want to touch...Anyway, that's all I've been listening to for the past, oh...3 weeks. My favorite songs right now are Vanilla and Redemption - both because I get a nice little mental image of the videos every time I hear them. If you've seen the videos, you know what I'm talking about. If not, it's called youtube.

What else can I ramble about? TV series I've been watching are Nurse Jackie, Hung, and Being Human. Jackie and Being Human have both finished for the season, and I hope they both come back. I don't know how many episodes are left in Hung. A series I really want to see again next season, though, is US of Tara. That one was truly fantastic.

Clearly the real purpose of this entery is to avoid going to my online classes' webpages and reading the lessons. I can't afford to pull that kind of shit, and yet I've already started. What the hell is wrong with me?

I'm alive. Sore, but alive.

Everyone who told me the surgery was easy and that there wasn't a lot of pain is a liar.

Countdown has started. I can't believe it's Friday. People keep asking me if I'm nervous. Um...no. Actually, I don't feel anything.

I mean, I had some minor surgery back in high school and I was more concerned about getting an IV than about anything else. And, well, I've already had an IV, so I know I can survive it, and at least this time when I wake up my jaw won't be wired shut. I can't really imagine the kind of pain having your skin cut open will cause, so I can't psyche myself out about that (I'm a wimp when it comes to *thinking* about pain, but once it's over and done with it doesn't matter. Have I mentioned that after my jaw surgery I never asked for meds *once*?)

And, well...I have a vague little fear that I won't be happy with the results, but that's mostly because I can't really get a good mental image of what they'll look like when it's all said and done and I'm used to them the way they are now.

Mostly I don't feel anything though. Ask again on Thursday and you'll probably get a different answer.

---

I think I finally have everything set up for financial aid. School starts two weeks from Wednesday. Yay education; you mean that I won't be putting in full time hours at work anymore, thereby slowly killing my mind and soul. Is it wrong that my goal at the beginning of every year is "find a Japanese boyfriend"? It's worse that I've never completed that goal once. I had a Japanese boyaquaintance once...not the same, really...

---

Having trouble connecting with any of my fandoms right now. Am feeling cluttered and overwhelemed in a really wierd, far-away kind of way. Yes, I am aware that that makes zero sense. I want to try meditation, but I really suck at it. My brain won't shut up when I try. Won't shut up as in actual sentences running through my main, people. A friggen dialogue in my brain, sometimes inturrupted by my telling myself to shut up. This isn't healthy.

Since the teams are now uneven, someone from the green team will have to...

A. sit the game out
B. play for both sides
C. dress up like a carrot

( New Orleans - Vampires in the Attic )

I really want to do some research on these stories myself. Just...maybe not at night. ^^

This working all day thing kills me. Seriously. (It doesn't help that I've gained back all the weight I'd lost year before last, either.) It's not just the physical (and can we mention mental?) energy drain of any kind of working environment, it's also the fact that by the time I get home at night there's hardly any time to do anything before I need to go to bed. When I'm a good girl and work out or walk, there's even less time.

Blame work on lack of ficcage. 8-6 sucks big time, especially as I've been doing it since December.

But!

But I got into grad school, and even though school in itself is an exhausting thing (much less school+work=the dreaded combination of doom!) I still seem to have always had more time for personal things when I was a student. Even though I'm going to have to work a lot harder for grad school than I did for undergrad, I hope this will still be the case.

So I've been accepted, I'm in contact with my advisor, and I'm signed up for ten hours. I must be feeling pretty relaxed by now, right?

Come on. Ya'll so totally know me better than that.

- 2 of my classes are still TBA in terms of time, days, and location. This means I don't know what to tell work about my schedule. This also means there's the possibility of a time conflict with another class.

- Got my application for FASFA turned in, and they told me they've sent my info to the school - but they haven't told me how much money, if any, I'm getting. School tells me that before I can check, I have to turn in this form giving them permission to credit my account with moolah. The form cannot be faxed, mailed, or sent over the computer. Apparently. So last Monday I called down to financial aid (calling anyone to ask anything is a big deal for me, as you well know. I have...social issues.)

Me - Are you going to be open for lunch?

Financial Services Lady - Yeah (in a total duh tone of voice.)

So I go down there during lunch and...what? There's a sign on the door: "This office is closed. Go to Room 2-- for assisstance." So I go to that room...the door is shut, there's no one around, and after knocking and waiting around for several minutes, I get fed up and leave. By then my lunch break is half over, so I run through a drive through, go back to work, and eat my lunch among the files...

Friday was my off day last week, and it had to be spent going to Huntsville for pre-op, so I knew I wouldn't be able to get back down to the school. Another opportunity came, however, on Thursday when, at 4:00, the office manager asked me to run something to the courthouse for her. That was a big fiasco, but not relevant to my gripe. Anyway, by the time I got finished, it was 4:40ish. I was near the school anyway, and I had the paperwork with me, AND it was before 5. So I ran down to the school and hurried to the office, and --

OFFICE CLOSED. HOURS OF OPERATION MON-FRI, 8:00-4:30

The door was locked. There was a girl at the reception desk still, but she was on the phone, and only looked at me as I tried to get into the room. I eventually gave up. I have never once had a pleasant experience asking for help anywhere at that hell-hole.

In short, my school sucks monkey balls.

I'll try again Wednesday when I'm off again. Maybe third time's the charm?

New Orleans was fantastic. I don't think I ever want to live there, but I'd like to visit often - become good friends with her, as it were. Being nerdy, I took a lot of walking tours. If any of you ever go, I highly recomend the Haunted History tours. We did the ghost tour and the vampire tour, and were quite seriously freaked out by a few of the stories.

I got home to find Riku's other ear now has a hematoma. Anyone who remembers my frantic posts from the last time that happened may guess at my current mental state. Am trying to decide whether to take him to the vet to get it fixed (which is both expensive for me and traumatizing for us both) or letting it, as dad says, "run its course." Online research tells me it will just be uncomfortable for a while and scar in the end, and that he could have this problem again someday if I don't get it fixed. Still, his ear is so big that I'm scared it might burst...

Also, went to see "Orphan" tonight. I enjoyed it a lot - it reminded me of some of the old-school slasher movies, which I much prefer to the supernatural or gore-hungry horror flicks.

I'm going to see Public Enemies tomorrow. You know I'm a sucker for Depp.

And speaking of the beautiful man, anyone following the news of the Aice in Wonderland movie? I'm so excited.

---

Weiss does not understand that it is not the appropriate time of year for them. They won't friggen leave me alone (course it might be my fault 'cause I keep listening to their music.) Yohji was annoying me all day at work.

---

"Nobody is better at counting balls than judge Bob..."

Sent an e-mail to the head of the education department yesterday, but haven't gotten a reply yet (what? You're just now doing that?) Yeah, yeah...maybe it'll be spring before I get back into school...

Also posted my resume at the school's career services and got it approved. Er...I guess I should mention that every time I get mad at someone at work I come home and look for a new job....now I have a new place to look.

Been doing really well with walking every week. We've increased it by one day each week (this week we're doing five days. Next week we'll do six, which will put us where we want to be) so today I'm going to try to start a free weights regime - free weights three times a week, plus walking, and eventually add in yoga or pilates twice a week (on the days I don't do weights.) Plus, did I mention? One month vegetarian. Woot.

---

TV shows I like right now:


-- "I Survived a Japanese Gameshow"
Insane games, Judge Bob, Mama-san, and the Sayonara boys - what could be better? It comes on tonight. You should watch it.

-- "Better off Ted"
Why, you ask? Things such as:

"You're the only one who ran from the octo-chicken"
"Well, it scared me when it came down from its web"

the whole "security system is racist" episode

"Ted is our shiniest employee."

"Listen to my tone, not my words!"
"...Her tone is right!"

"There's been some acidic leakage - or ass-leak, for short."

"We'll have to run an acidic interface, otherwise known as ass-face."
"...you know, I don't think these nicknames are working."

-- "Nurse Jackie"
She reminds me of the Brid's mom.

Plus the whole "flushing the severed ear of the man who cut up the hooker down the toilet and then blaming someone else" thing.

I tried to eat a candy bar and it tasted like crap.

...I don't know whether to be happy or disapointed. I just need to get this taste out of my mouth.

---

Still having the giggles today after last night's "sliding over lotioned sumo wrestlers" thing on I Survived a Japanese Gameshow. If you haven't seen this show before, look it up on youtube. I implore you.

"While Judge Bob puts lotion on Dan..."

There's so many things I really need to be doing that I keep putting off:

- finish editing novel so I can begin sending out queries again (most important, obviously)
- e-mail head of the education dept., who I'm supposed to meet with before applying to grad school (clearly also very important)
- study my Japanese lessons - I'm in the middle of a huge review...
- clean my room...when does this *not* need to be done?
- learn how to use brother's new weights so my arms will look pretty for my trip...
- work on fanfiction (okay, sorry, but probably the least important...will probaby be done first anyway...)

---

So it looks like I've lost almost ten pounds since my decision to become a vegetarian. Three weeks and still going strong...it helps that I have an over-active imagination. I picture the gross things about meat and then I don't want it. Plus I've found some veggies I really like, and I'm beginning to really love tofu. Even though I still can't cook it as well as the Chinese restaurants I like can...

---

The bird helped me to get some more Weiss music, including "Black Angel," which I really love, burned onto a cd. We only got about 8 songs...they seem really hard to find. Ah, well, I won't give up. I've been watching some of the (very few available) videos too - had the most luch with animelyrics.com...can I say rawr? Yuuki kills me in those short-shorts and pumps, and do I even need to *say* anything about Miki? *swoons*. Koyasu can's dance, but I love him anyway (or is that, I love him on principle?) and Tomo is just as boring as his character. (Ducks and hides from Ken fans.)

---

Important dates:

- Thursday - payday (I NEED IT!)
- July 17 - New Orleans trip
- Aug 14 - surgery
- Last week in Aug - school starts

I haven't even applied yet, but as it's only two weeks after my surgery, I'm really not sure I should. I think I still have time, but I do need to get a move on, but...but it's so hot in AL in August! I'm not sure I want to be walking around that huge, hilly campus in 100 degree weather with recently-operated on breasts!

I do want to look into auditing classes, though. I don't think they charge for that (of course, you don't get credit for them) but I took the first year Japanese classes back when I was a freshmen and would like to start up again. Since it's been so long, though, I think I should audit those first two semesters for review...if I can work it into my schedule, and if Dr. Christy will let me do it...

Another reason I'm not hesitating about school is the loans. I'm really nervous about student loans. Even though it's called the "fifth year program" it requires over 30 hours - so even full time would take at least a year and a half. I'm not even sure I should go full time...since it's education classes, I think it's probably unlikely that they have many night classes, and I really can't afford to cut back on my hours that much. (Damn but I need to ask for a raise. Too bad my boss is an ass and I make it my policy never to speak to asses...)

I'm sick of thinking about it.

---

Random quote for you: "Anata wo mamoru -- see, the 'wo' tells you that 'anata' is the one being 'mamorued.'"

Come on. It killed me when I heard it.

New chapter of Dirge is now up. Go forth and read.

Meh. I was going to update tonight, but the document manager at ff is down. I'm not sure when I'll get the chance to again.

Reader hits for the newest chapters of, well, everything, are down really far, as are review counts. Not sure if its the time of year (summer is usually pretty bad for fanfiction) or the wierd update schedule...and of course I have to assume that there are plenty of people who got tired of waiting for new chapters and won't be back. Anyway, I'm not taking it personally...yet. ^^

--

Let my aunt read my novel. She's the type of person who 'knows everything' and she reads a lot, so I was expecting the worst, especially since she's not into the genre I wrote in - but she really liked it! I'm going kind of slow working on the edits Ms. F recced, but it helps that my aunt is excited about it and wants to see a sequel.

In other news, I took the MAT yesterday. Did it on a computer, and afterwards was able to get an 'unofficial score.' It wasn't as high as I really wanted, but it *was* more than high enough to get me into my school's gradute program, so I can't complain. (Plus, the MAT is friggin insane. Anyone taken it? Crazy.) Now I need to make an apppointment with the woman in charge of the education dept - I'm supposed to meet with her before even applying for the program. Then, once I get my scores in, I'll need to apply for school *and* apply for financial aid, 'cause daddy's already given me four and a half years and won't pay for anything else.

Also, I'm having my surgery in Aug.

What would Shiori call Yusuke? I mean, assuming she recognizes him as one of "Shuichi's friends"? I assume she's more of a formal-minded character, but he is younger than her, and he's definitly not the formal type (meaning I can also see him correcting someone)

Meh...everything I'm trying just sounds wierd.

I've wasted the entire day reading over my old Bridges fic. It's so interesting to see how much my writing style has changed since then, as well as my understanding of and interpretation of the characters and situations of Weiss. There's a lot in that fic that I would do differently if I were to write it now, but I still view it with pride (even though there are times when I wonder how anyone else managed to get through reading it, much less managed to enjoy it...) Anyway, like I said, it was interesting, and it makes me for excited for future Weiss projects. Watch me grow! (lol)